Reaction to "I didn't feel close to God" article
By David Nimrod M. Cubar
Editor's Note" Click this link to view the original ParishWorld.net article that David was referring to: "I didn't feel close to God"
I just want to share my blog which i think also struck a cord with this article. My orginial bog is posted in: www.sigawnatahimik.blogspot.com
I assisted a youth camp for Youth for Christ last 11/25 of last year. I was supposed to be prayer warrior but some things were not right with me so I ended up composing this letter and prayer during their baptism.
P.s. I joined Youth For Christ when I was 12 and back slided when I was 20.****
Here is my blog:
Why, O Lord, do I still seek you? Why do I miss the feeling of being close to you? Why does my heart ache every time I hear people speak of their love for You? Why does it matter to me when I hear stories about the saints and holy people who gave their all for You?
When I decided to leave the world that I feel I am chocked and unable to be myself, I also left with it my more than 9 years of service in YFC who witnessed to my ups and downs, my burning passion to serve you and my dedication to give my all. But at the same time, this is the place where I felt not myself. A place full of these and that's which ultimately I lost track of who I truly am.
And so I stopped studying, my service and my Faith to start all over again - to find myself once again. At first I was successful - I never been happier in my life. But every time I see my YFC friends in their service or hear songs that I am familiar with - my heart aches of longing.
Is it just because I was used to this kind of environment for a long time or just the last remnant of a painful past? But of all things that I turned my back against - it is you, Lord, that I am most attracted -longing even.
Alas Lord, the irony of my situation - I who seeks and you keep quiet. I am confused Lord, or honestly, afraid. What is it that you want from me right now? Why?
Lord, I dont know if I am still able to open myself again to you - to say "yes" again. Why Lord? Is it because I am afraid that I might lose myself one more time? I am afraid that the same pain will all be flashing back.
I am here right now, Lord, standing in front of your altar. But it is all quiet. Are you here Lord? Are you present?
I only live my life once. And I want to live it as best as I could. I hope, Lord, that you will answer me soon. I hope that you will hear my cries. I hope that you are not hiding - that you are not far away.
Lord I am standing - waiting - longing.
The prayer I composed soon after:
Father, I am scared. I am not hearing your voice anymore. I am not feeling your presence. Have you abandoned me, Father? Have you left me in the same way that I left you? Where are you, Father?
I know that I have left you, but why do I have this great longing for you - to be with you. Dont remain silent to someone desperate to have your embrace.
Is this how you felt when I left you? The feeling of utter helplessness because the one you are longing for does not answer. Oh Lord, I am sorry!
Come back to me, Father. Embrace me one more time. Let me fell your love again. Quench the thirst of my longing.
My God has abandoned me because I have abandoned Him first. Now that I long for Him - He does not answer. This is how he feels - when I abandoned Him. I know that he longed for me but I was not there. Now I call His name, but I hear emptiness. I am longing for my God - where is He?
I called but no one answered.
I knocked but the door remained shut.
I cried but no one dried my tears.
I am alone -
no one to comfort, no one to embrace
I am abandoned - forgotten
He has turned back while I long for His embrace.
Where is He?
Where is my comforter?
Alone in the dark, empty inside.
I know He is here.
He will not abandon me.
He will fulfill his promise.
I just have to believe.